12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 1
12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 2 (You’re here)
12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) – Vol. 3
We approach that most American of two-day holidays: Thanksgiving/Black Friday. Nowhere else in the world is there such a display of unbridled overeating followed immediately by aggressive, sometimes violent, capitalism!
Once again, you might be searching high and low for the perfect gift for your attorney spouse (or parent, or friend, or whatever). Trust me when I tell you, this is NOT the place to find the perfect gift. On the other hand, if, like last year, you’re looking for something interesting and entertaining at the same time, you’re in the right place. (For additional gift ideas, check out Volume 1!)
Here is my list of 12 Awesomely Funny Gifts for Lawyers (with Issues!) Vol. 2:
1) Legal Decision Maker – $25.00 (affiliate link)
Life is full of difficult decisions, and the practice of law is certainly no exception! Oftentimes we turn to a trusty, reliable source to help us make sound decisions: a mentor, a law school classmate, the guy next to us on the bus. But sometimes there just isn’t anyone around to bounce ideas off of, and your Magic 8 Ball never recovered when it answered your last question wrong.
Thankfully, we have the Legal Decision Maker! Whether you’re deciding on how to proceed in your case, or whether you’re going to drown your sorrows in bourbon or vodka, you’ll get a quality answer here! No need to worry about ethics, because it’s a virtual guarantee that you’ll be violating them if you rely on this little guy!
2) 1970s Style Laptop – $9.99 (affiliate link)
As lawyers, we’re typically described as a profession that isn’t very tech-savvy. Some of the criticism is accurate, we can be a little slow to innovate. However, some of it is unearned. Well, not that much of it actually. Many lawyers feel uncomfortable with new technology, tethered to their tried-and-true methods and tools. Know any attorneys like that?
Then this is the perfect gift for them! They’ll no longer have to feel ashamed when asked if they use a laptop, because it turns out they’ve been using one all along! True, the 1970s part might be a little advanced for some of these attorneys. But baby steps, everyone!
3) Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug – $13.95 (affiliate link)
We’re all still adjusting to the news about the NSA surveillance, and the most recent attempts to slow down that surveillance has hit a rut in congress. A judge in Charlotte, North Carolina, my city of residence, just released a massive report on police intercepting cell phones in likely violation of constitutional protections. And some other such babble about the president exceeding his authority by kinda-sorta rewriting the immigration laws.
Seems like the perfect time for some coffee/tea! Celebrate our newly reduced constitutional protections by watching your liberties disappear before your eyes! This mug will hold 12 ounces of your favorite hot beverages while providing a stark representation of your rights being wiped away! Don’t worry though, that chill going down your spine will soon be relieved by the hot beverage that, thanks to the boiling water, probably no longer contains the toxins now allowed to be dumped freely into our lakes and streams!
4) Mr. Tea Infuser – $10.95 (affiliate link)
Are you tired of your tea not looking relaxed enough for you while you make it? Or maybe you’d just like to look a little more casual as your rights are slowly wiped off of your Disappearing Civil Liberties mug. Regardless, the best way for your tea to look relaxed while it’s getting ready to relax you is the Mr. Tea Infuser.
With a nice casual look, and a “chillin’ in the hot tub” form, your tea no longer has to have the traditional, uptight look anymore while it steeps. A perfect compliment to go along with the civil rights mug above, or other cookware that might leave observers feeling like you’re a little too tense to be trusted with sharp objects.
5) Law School in a Box – $14.95 (affiliate link)
If you know a lawyer, then you’ve probably heard about how hellish law school is. Crammed together with hyper-competitive people, many of whom have never finished outside of the top 10 in their class, pitted against each other for the best grades. Oh, and for some reason, once arriving at law school, everyone apparently thinks back fondly on the social scene in high school, but thought it lacked drama. In a word, it sucked.
Feel like making light of the hell your lawyer friends went through just to become lawyers? You’re in luck! Law School in a Box, by the wonderful people at Mental Floss, is just what you’re looking for. It’s packed with things like the “comprehensive” (96 pages) Law School Textbook, legal hero trading cards, the “Bar Exam Trivia Challenge,” and a rolled up diploma containing “real Latin words.” Yep, this gift is a sure fire way to piss off a lawyer!
6) “A Good Lawyer…” Paperweight – $34.00 (affiliate link)
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge. Haha, so funny right? I mean, it’s not like the merits of a case would ever mean less to a judge than a personal relationship with one of the attorneys, am I right? So… damn… funny…
Well, whether you’re laughing at the quote because you believe it to be good natured hyperbole, or you’re laughing and sort-of-crying because it’s a little too true for comfort, this paperweight is awesome! Excellent for making sure that none of the important documents in your case/incriminating photos of the judge mysteriously blow away. This gift is perfect for any lawyer on your list.
7) AnyChair – The Wonder Office Chair – $350.00 (approx.)
Are you tired of hearing your lawyer friends complaining about how painful it is to take naps on their office furniture? Know any associates who got laid off because the boss got annoyed every time she found them taking a nap on the couch in the conference room? Do you know any REALLY LAZY ASS lawyers? If so, you really need to check out the AnyChair.
Courtesy of those brilliant efficiency and personal-space-conscious workaholics in Japan, the AnyChair converts from an office chair to a nap-time paradise in just 30 seconds! When the boss comes in and sees your lawyer friend sleeping on this chair, instead of the usual spot on top of the file cabinet, they’ll see the dedication it takes to take a long nap at the office. Company first, or as we say here in America, “fuck it, I’m on salary!”
8) Prescription Bottle Shot Glass Set – $10.99 (affiliate link)
As lawyers, we have a long tradition of excellence to uphold. We have to go through rigorous (and mostly pointless) education, then we go through the modern day form of apprenticeship. Once we make partner, we then get to deal with decades of ridiculous stress that comes along with running a business, dealing with business partners, squabbling over money, and doing our best to kiss our institutional clients’ asses so that they’ll keep paying our bills! Among the other things we’re amazing at: lawyers are ridiculously good at being addicted to drugs and alcohol!
Well, I’m not making light of the legal profession’s drug and alcohol abuse issues… wait… yes I am. If you’re here, you want sarcastic gifts. These are perfect. Fill them up with 2 ounces of alcohol and not only will you be helping those alcoholism numbers, but it’ll look like you’re emptying a bottle of prescription pills right into your mouth! There’s gotta be a reason it’s called a “bar” right?
9) I (Heart) Document Review Sign – $3.00
You don’t need to spend big money to get your lawyer friends or family members a gift that’s sure to make them want to punch you. Right here is the perfect example. In case you’re not sure if your lawyer friend hates document review, and thus you’re not sure if they’ll get this joke, no worries! They hate it. And they WILL hate you for getting this for them!
This sign is a pattern that is hand made, and is all set for you or your lawyer friend to stitch this ridiculous, insulting, demeaning, degrading sign. Technically, you’re free to make any pattern. Personally, I’d love to see how much blood this cloth could absorb following the fistfight you would get into with its recipient!
10) Prenuptial Agreement Necktie – $38.50
Know a lawyer who writes a lot of these? Maybe you know one of those lawyers who goes around telling everyone how screwed they’ll be if they don’t have one, and then gives out their card? Maybe you really need a form prenuptial agreement, and you’re desperate enough to look to the words on a necktie!
Regardless your reason, this tie is the perfect gift for the lawyer who spends too much time fighting in family law cases. Or the lawyer who thinks he’s such hot shit that he tells women on the first date that in the event marriage happens, they’ll be signing one of these! Let him know he’s a dick! Guess what, this one isn’t just for lawyers, either!
11) The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm – $14.95 (affiliate link)
Sarcasm has been called a lot of things, most of them bad. However, it’s also awesome. The trouble is, there are people in this world, difficult as it is to believe, who just don’t get sarcasm. Either they’re easily offended by anything that someone says, or they can’t help but alienating large numbers of family and (former) friends anytime they speak. For the antisocial lawyer in your office, or as a handbook to keep with you anytime someone gets offended by something dumb you said, this book is perfect.
Authored by the Vice President of the National Sarcasm Society, it bills itself as “A Lexicon for Those of Us who are Better and Smarter than the Rest of You.” This book is a perfect guide to using the right sarcasm in the right situations.
12) Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25 Blaster – $349.99 (affiliate link)
So last year I included the Nerf N-Strike Stampede on this list. It was a magnificent addition to the office, bringing a sense of dignity and order through a volley of automatically fired suction-cup projectiles. But it was missing something. I really couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time, but I finally figured it out. The Stampede was solid, but it didn’t really give me that whole Vietnam War-style full-fledged machine-gun nest feeling. Then I saw the Vulcan.
Where the Stampede gave you clips for your darts, the Vulcan gives you the option of using a full-on ammo drum or loadable ammo belt, so you can experience that whole “Rambo” feeling. A little tired after a long deposition? No worries, this baby comes with an adjustable tripod, so fatigue isn’t an issue! Is the enemy coming with reinforcements? The lift handle on top allows for quick repositioning, allowing you to maintain the high ground! Oh, and the Stampede doesn’t have a video like this:
You might have noticed some of the links above are identified as “Affiliate Links.” This does not, generally speaking, make them evil. What it means is that when you click on the link and purchase the product, I receive a (very) small commission. You DO NOT pay any extra as a result. I do not include these links capriciously, and I research each link I include on this list. I only include products on this list that I find particularly hilarious. I do not provide any warranty as to their use, this page is, as the title clearly says, about funny and/or sarcastic gifts.
For additional information, check out our Disclaimers page.